In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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