none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
