Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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