Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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