my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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