i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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