my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize