Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
