I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
