Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
