I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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