he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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