I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
