oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
