jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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