She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
