So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
