All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize