p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
