If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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