I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
