woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
