Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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