Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
