you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
