I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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