i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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