Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
