Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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