The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
