this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
