Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
