Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
