Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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