I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
