i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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