i can't believe i had my finger in that
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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