I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
