I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
