you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
