It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
