dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize