UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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