I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
