I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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