Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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