yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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