i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
