i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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