Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize