Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
