i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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