I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize