when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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