woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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