Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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