you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
