Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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